Reaching
by VickyVicarious
Summary: "And you just want to, you can't put it in words but, you want to reach her before she slips completely out of touch." Kazehaya isn't capable of anything other than this.


**Movie-verse.** Not that I don't absolutely love the mangaverse, but there was something about watching it all in live action, and my _god_ the Kazehaya and Kuronuma actors were masterful. It was just gorgeous, heart-clenching, beyond-words-beautiful-perfect-lovely, and I couldn't not write something after watching that.

And something about the way you can _see_ as Kazehaya gets more and more desperate, just unable to hold back and finally just _telling her_ - I kind of wish that had been more prevalent in the manga. _Because it is so gorgeous_.

(My only objection for the whole film is to the castings of Pin and Ryu, and that simply for aesthetic purposes, because the actors' looks don't fit those roles in my mind. Their performance was wonderful though. What I'm saying is see the movie. Now.)

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><p>This story had been translated into Russian! You can find it on <strong>RubyNury<strong>'s profile, or under the story ID 8370003.

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><p>There's something about her that makes your smiles flicker like lightning, quick and unconstrained and unexpected. Your eyes don't know where to look, your hands too tense. Your breath is – your heart's so tight every time you try so hard to speak to her, every time she looks at you and you can't…<p>

It's too warm. It's too warm. Everything is just steadily growing, just steadily. She smiles more now, smiles at Yoshida and Yano and at Ryu, and you don't want her to – you want her to smile only at you, you don't want anyone else to ever see her like this. You want to be the only one to watch her grow stronger, sweeter, so gorgeous and so out of reach. And you just want to, you can't put it in words but, you want to reach her before she slips completely out of touch, because she.

You hate your friends. And Yoshida. Ryu too. Only for moments, but you absolutely _hate_ them, because it's always exactly at the perfect time to stop you in your tracks, and that's probably a sign, but you don't care. How can you, when she's so, so, so very much herself and right next to you every day and just. Just you can't breathe. You can't ever breathe.

You can't continue like this – _can't_, because you're losing every shred of yourself and it's just too much. But you can't seem to break out of it, and she doesn't notice, doesn't notice anything, not even every time you work up so much courage that you don't really have, to dare to just attempt to – to – she is stealing your very soul and she is _smiling_ and you want her more than anything, more than everything, you're breaking.

And you are so nervous, you feel this… tremble, all through you. Your voice is failing you, your mouth twisting in and out of smiles and pressed-in lips, completely out of your control, your heart's so _tight_, your breath forgotten completely and you don't have anything left to think with, to plead with, just this utter _suspense_. Just this blurting, this rough confession, these words that – that aren't working, are they, you can't breathe, she's so Sawako, she's staring at you and you're not letting her misunderstand this time but oh, you can't.

You can't reach her. Your arm stretched out, head down, and you are starting to know already, even before the bus pulls up. You are beginning to disappear, to blank out, you are hearing her reject you word by stumbling word, you are you are you are nothing anymore.

What was she smiling at, that first day? You've wondered about that so many times, and your very first attempt at telling her was under that tree wasn't it, and you should have known then when she said she _respected_ you but. But you are a fool, and not even the brave sort like Kurumizawa who can smile and ask if what she said made you happy, no you are the sort of fool who just loses everything and stares after her, stares. You still don't even know what she was smiling at up in the sky, you still can't bear her smiles, you still can't breathe even though it's been hours now, you're sort of folding the tickets, sort of crumpling them, sort of giving up and sort of giving in and sort of falling to pieces.

Oh, and then you don't even get a reprieve, because Joe's calling you fresh and Ryu wants to know what makes up Kuronuma. And you are hurting, because you've been such an idiot, such an idiot, trying so hard, but even now just thinking about her, just listing her off in totally inadequate words is sending that lightning-flicker smile back across your face, instinctive and she might be smiling too right this very instant wherever she is which is not here, and then Pin. _Pin_, you hate more than anyone else on this world.

Pin, Pin, what is he trying to do to you, what is she – you feel frozen. You feel like you are missing all the important pieces, but one and that's in your hand, a little red book and a heart-shaped petal and what's going on.

Kuronuma, Kuronuma, Kuronuma, Kuronuma. Kuronuma, you think, it's her birthday and your endday, how odd. Kuronuma, Kuronuma, you are wordless else, and then she's there and she's breathless, has been running, she's tripping over your words and you can't honestly be right about what she's trying to say. You can't be – but you _are_, your body knows it before you do, frozen but too-too-hot and she.

Likes you.

You can't breathe, move, smile, you can't – your heart is _aching_ or is that breaking or is that mending?

"Me too," you say. Always, always, forever, with everything, always you think and you say and she is standing right in front of you. Like a dream. Like the best dream you've ever had and never would want to wake from, like your heart sort of tightening in to nothing or everything or exploding and her face so serious and right in front of you and your breath escaping you and the world frozen and. It's starting to sink in. She likes you.

A flicker, a laugh, as much relief as anything else, as much joy as you have in you, as much unbelievable but really real, _oh_, "I've finally reached you."

Finally, finally, forever. You would propose to her right now if you thought you could. Instead you say, "I hope we'll be like this from now on."

And the grin's not lightning this time, it's glue, impossible to shake off not that you're trying. Everything is. Everything is too much, too perfect, too too and her. You are dizzy in the winter air, you are trembling, you are blinking and swallowing and so nervous and so not, you are too aware of Kuronuma who you've reached, who has reached you, who is yours and you hers forever please, and smiling smiling smiling up at the sky.


End file.
